The Softer Side

As rambunctious as he tends to be, little Hayden does have a softer side. I took this photo of him snuggling with our babydog Maya this morning. It is tender moments like these that make the more challenging times with him more bearable. One would never suspect by looking upon that angelic visage of his that a little terror dwells within.

God Has A Sense Of Humor

I have learned that one thing that you should never do is rail at God when you are not getting what you have asked Him for. My husband and I suffered with infertility issues for many years. It took us almost a year to conceive our firstborn. Conceiving a second time took us five years. During that interval I spent a portion of every day earnestly praying for another child. Praying turned to imploring. Imploring turned to ranting and railing. A natural enough progression, I suppose, when the blessing that is so desperately desired is continually denied. We tried taking the drug Clomid to no avail. I had exploratory surgery only to find that there were no physical impediments to conception.

Finally, at long last, in 2004 we conceived. It was an ectopic pregnancy. The miscarriage was indescribably painful, both physically and psychologically. Six months later we were expecting once again. Another ectopic pregnancy. This time my fallopian tube burst and I required emergency surgery. Now we had our tumultuous fertility history and only one fallopian tube to work with. Our doctor was not at all certain that the remaining tube was even functional. He advised us that, in his professional opinion, our only option was to try In Vitro Fertilization. We both felt that children are gifts to be given by God and decided to leave the situation in His hands. I began to resign myself to the fact that I could give my husband no more children.

Four months later we conceived again and I was devastated. I didn't know if I could bear the loss of another child. Because of my history, my fertility doctor monitored me very carefully. After several blood tests he determined that my hormone levels were rising as expected with a normal pregnancy. I was still too afraid to have hope. Six weeks later we went for our first ultrasound and saw our baby's little heart beating. We could think it nothing less than a truly Heavenly miracle; We were thankful beyond words. Back to God having a sense of humor....

The baby is now four years old, and is easily the most impossible child that I have ever come into contact with. He began the 'Terrible Two's' at a year and a half and we are still waiting for him to outgrow them. His temperament is such that we have affectionately dubbed him 'The Antichrist'. Don't you dare judge me; You don't live here! You have NO idea what we deal with.

So, after bitterly railing at God for so long, He granted our request. He gave us another child. A beautiful, perfect, terribly tempered, destructive child who tries my patience to it's breaking point almost daily. I have to wonder if it is not because I asked for another baby for so long, but because of how I went about asking. Perhaps bitterly ranting and railing was not the best way of petitioning the Almighty. Am I now reaping what I have sown by living daily with the most precocious child on the planet? Are there any other moms out there that feel the way I do? I love my child fiercely and at the same time feel like setting my hair on fire and running down the street screaming maniacally. It is my hope that by blogging my daily struggles as a stay-at-home mommy, I will be more able to put things into proper perspective. And maybe to let someone else out there know that they are not alone.